For the thousands of expats living in South-east Asia, isolation from extended family can be a confronting and lonely experience. However, most expats are prepared for the challenge of building and maintaining a day-to-day support network in lieu of homeland connections.
Nothing can prepare you, however, for the experience of coping with the illness, tragedy or death of a loved one back home. It is in these moments of despair, helplessness (and often guilt) that each kilometre between here and there can feel like a light-year of emptiness.
Coping with death, sickness or tragedy in the family is a distressing experience at any time. But for expats, the complications of living far from home can heighten feelings of isolation, guilt and helplessness. Exacerbate that scenario with the travel limitations, quarantine periods and visa restrictions currently associated with the covid-19 crisis, and this sense of helplessness can easily turn to despair.
Nothing can ease the emotional rollercoaster of these situations – but there are some simple practices that can make you stronger and more resilient as you deal with the distance.
Acknowledge your needs
From the moment you become aware of an emergency back home, there is an automatic and intense focus on the individual(s) affected; your compassion, support, concern and attention is directed outward, toward others. This is a natural and necessary reaction. However, it is vital for your long-term wellbeing that you also acknowledge you have needs of your own at this time, and to take real steps to ensure they are met. In particular, it is wise to ask yourself:
- What support do I want at this time, and from whom?
- What regrets can I avoid by taking action now?
- What expectations are being placed on me that I resent/reject?
Know your purpose
Even in ‘normal’ times, when travel restrictions are not in place, deciding if and when you should travel to your loved one – and when you ought to return to your expat home – can be a complicated process. In light of the current pandemic, this decision may be completely out of your control and it is likely that travel back to your homeland is simply not feasible.
It’s vital to acknowledge the excruciatingly difficult position this leaves you in. Should you travel (if possible) to be with family and deal with whatever arises from that decision – including the prospect of an extended stay away from your expat home? If you don’t travel, will you miss out on something important and regret not, at least, trying? Is it selfish to choose to deal with the situation from afar?
Every situation is unique, and it’s vital to acknowledge that there is no right nor wrong answer; there is no handbook on how one must deal with these events; there is no obligation for you to choose any particular course of action. However, it may help to have a clear idea of what regrets you wish to avoid and what your greatest sense of purpose is, at this time.
If your purpose involves coordinating medical, funeral or other practical arrangements, recognise that this can be largely accomplished via telephone and the internet. If you feel the need to provide support after a surgery or simply to say your final goodbyes, there are ways you can connect online and express all you hope to communicate.
If your purpose requires more personal interaction and is deeply meaningful to you, you may consider that travel is necessary – no matter the consequences. The vital component is to know what you are hoping to achieve and focus your energies on fulfilling that purpose to the best of your ability.
With your purpose clearly defined, you will be better able to discern if travel is absolutely necessary or whether you can find a way to express your love and support in an authentic, if imperfect, way.
Note: these are extraordinary times and, therefore, any situation that involves the illness, suffering or death of a distant loved one is going to be incredibly difficult to process – even more so than usual. Feelings of isolation, intense grief, guilt, anger and resentment at life would be very normal and natural, in this instance. Please appreciate that you are not expected to cope with these exceptional times and extraordinary emotional burdens on your own. If there was ever a time to engage in the support of a trusted therapist, psychologist and/or trusted mental health practitioner, it is now.
Invent ways to help
One of the most distressing realities of dealing with distance is the inevitable sense of helplessness and, often, guilt. However, in today’s connected world there are many ways you can offer help and support from your base in Singapore. Aside from regular Skype or telephone calls, you may find practical ways to alleviate stress for loved ones back home such as buying home-delivered meals, paying for a gardener or handyman, funding a book-keeper to pay household bills or coordinating a roster of nearby friends and family to make visits.
Be inventive and realise that, although the distance may prevent you from holding a loved one’s hand, you have many opportunities to reduce pressure in their daily life. By offering support – even indirectly – you can feel like you are doing something constructive; being helpful; contributing to the healing process.
Dealing with the illness or death of a loved one is obviously a time of great grief and stress – and this anguish can be amplified when you are living thousands of kilometres away. Therefore, if you are one of the many expats dealing with this situation, take time to acknowledge your own emotional and spiritual needs. Give yourself permission to be unsure and imperfect in your actions and responses, and keep some compassion for yourself as you nourish and nurture your family ‘back home’.
Kim Forrester is a mother, nature lover, holistic wellbeing advocate and kindness enthusiast. As an award-winning author, educator and consultant, she combines cutting edge science with spiritual philosophy to inspire holistic wellbeing and fullness of living. Born in New Zealand, Kim has lived in several countries - now in Singapore.
Looking for some drops of goodness in your day? Visit www.kimforrester.net for a range of courses, content and consultations that will help you thrive in life. Plus, check out the Eudaemonia podcast on your favourite podcast app for thought-provoking conversations about the traits and practices that can inspire you to flourish.
